


Cold Heart

by thorkified



Category: Thor (Movies)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Feels, Angst with a Happy Ending, Canon Divergence - Thor (2011), Emotional Hurt, Emotional Sex, Hurt/Comfort, Isolation, Jotunn Loki (Marvel), M/M, Possessive Behavior, Self-Hatred, Self-Loathing, Suicidal Thoughts, Thor Doesn't Get Banished, Tragic Romance, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-19
Updated: 2018-06-04
Packaged: 2019-05-09 00:30:52
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 17,947
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14705724
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thorkified/pseuds/thorkified
Summary: When they fight in Jotunheim and Loki gets a little too close to one of the frost giants, everything he once thought he knew about himself becomes meaningless, and when he finds out the truth his world is in ruins. Thor wants nothing more than to help his brother, but where there once had been love and kindness, he now finds nothing but cruelty and coldness, no matter how hard he tries to get through to him. Thor watches Loki slip away from him, without knowing what to do to stop it.Rewrite of the first Thor movie, where Thor does not get banished to Midgard.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Canon Divergent after Loki gets touched by the frost giant, illustrating what could have been if things had gone different.

Loki stares down at his arm in complete shock and disbelief as his skin begins to turn back to normal. He’s scared, terrified even, and suddenly just wants out. He grabs Thor by the arm, stopping him from attacking another frost giant. When Thor spins around, ready to attack, he sees the wide and horrified eyes of his brother and the hand that becomes the pale white he is used to see on him in front of his eyes.

“Loki, what-”

A rumbling shakes the ground beneath them, causing Loki to stumble and hold onto his brother to not fall completely. Thor instinctively pulls him back on his feet, one last time looking back at the mass of frost giants coming from all directions, and makes a decision.

“Friends, let’s go! We are leaving!”

Everyone seems more than willing to follow Thor’s call and without hesitation they begin running. Angry shouts follow them, the ground shakes under the sheer force with which they are chased, but they don’t stop. Thor still holds Loki’s arm as they flee and his brother shows no sign of disapproval, even though under normal circumstances he would free himself to be faster. This time they run side by side and whenever Thor glances over at Loki he sees the same terrified expression, the same numbing shock that he had seen when he first turned around.

When they finally arrive where they had come from, Sif calls out for Heimdall. They are coming faster now. Sif and The Warrior’s Three surround Thor and Loki, ready to fight any and all frost giants daring to come closer. Meanwhile Loki is clinging to his brother in complete shock, now that he doesn’t have to run anymore his legs give in and it’s only because of Thor that he doesn’t fall backwards into the abyss. Finally the Bifröst opens and they leave this forsaken wasteland, all alive but not all of them well. In fact, Loki is far from well and he doesn’t know if he will ever be anything else again.

Heimdall greets them, but he’s not alone. Odin is there too and without hesitating, Thor shields Loki behind him to hide his broken armor and bare arm. He doesn’t know why he does it, if it makes any difference, but he doesn’t want his father to see him like this. The Warriors fall on their knees and the princes follow suit shortly after, knowing full well that they have been caught and that a punishment will take place.

And punished they are. Odin points out that, if they would have taken any longer than they have, they would be banished from Asgard for their treason, but for some reason he decides against it. Instead, he sends the Warriors away, promising to deal with them later, and then he turns to Thor and Thor alone. He’s raging and shouting and soon Thor is shouting too and all Loki can do is stare at them in absolute shock. Then, Odin suddenly falls silent and Loki knows that whatever follows will be fatal and he finally speaks up.

“Father, please,” his voice is quiet, cautious, and full of respect and fear. 

Odin spins around and shouts something unintelligible at him that makes his stomach tighten. Loki knows it’s dangerous, but he cannot stop himself from speaking.

“It wasn’t Thor’s fault, father!” Loki knows in some way it was, but he won’t let all the blame fall on him. Desperately holding his bare arm against his chest, Loki looks up at their father. “He was reckless, he didn’t think of the consequences, but we are all at fault, not only him! Please, father, don’t punish Thor for something we are all guilty of!”

“As the one who wants the throne your brother should know better than to invade Jotunheim!” Odin barks, causing Loki to flinch and turns his attention back to Thor. “You have proven yourself to be incapable of the throne, Thor. You have risked the peace treaty with Jotunheim and endangered Argard and its citizens with your childish act of revenge and will no longer become king after your actions.”

“Father,” Thor stops, seemingly thinking. He turns to Loki for advice, who he has never seen so scared in his life, and for the first time stops himself from being reckless. “I apologize, father.” Thor kneels down again, bowing his head. “You are right, my actions were wrong and I brought danger to all of us. I do not deserve to be king of Asgard.”

After a long pause, Odin finally nods and squints his eye.

“Thor Odinson, you will no longer be an heir to the throne. Your thirst for war has endangered your people and as a punishment I will take away your hammer from you.” He holds out his hand and Mjolnir shoots into it immediately. Both Thor and Loki stare at him in anticipation and fear of what is now to come. “If you prove yourself worthy of the throne again, Mjolnir will return to you. Until this day, you are banished from Asgard’s army and will no longer be allowed to fight with the warriors or attend their training and exercises.”

“Yes, father,” Thor sighs in defeat, lowering his head again.

“Loki,” Odin growls and his second son stiffens for a moment before copying his brother’s posture and bows before the king.

“Yes, father.”

“You, as well as your brother, are forbidden to leave the palace under any circumstances,” Odin says and Loki’s eyes widen again as he stares at the ground. “You have disappointed me in dangerous ways and you will stay here until you have understood the true nature of leadership and the mistakes you made. You, Loki, are forbidden to leave your room until I have decided on a proper punishment for your inability to stop this madness and encouraging it instead.”

Loki swallows heavily, but nods anyway.

“Yes, father,” he repeats.

“You may leave now,” Odin orders and slams his staff on the floor. The two brothers stand up, each of them immediately accompanied by a guard as they do. “You will be guided to your rooms. That is all.”

Loki can feel Thor’s glares coming from his left side as the guards do their job, but he doesn’t look up. He knows Thor wants his attention, but he cannot give it to him. What happened in Jotunheim is still fresh and strong on his mind and he fears the unspoken questions he will see when he looks up into his brother’s eyes as much as he fears the answers he doesn’t have.

No matter how much he tries, he can’t stop thinking about what happened when this frost giant touched him and how different it was to what happened to Volstagg. Why did he not get a frostbite from this touch? Why did his arm turn blue and had those strange patterns on it all of a sudden, instead of causing him pain? And why did this frost giant look at him like that, shocked and almost… satisfied? Loki knows he had panicked when he had killed the frost giant and in a way he is still panicking, even if it is easier to hide now.

When the guard finally leads Loki into his room he nods weakly and watches the door being closed. For a split second he meets his brother eyes, as questioning as he expected and just as confused, but he can’t say anything, can’t even react. He just looks at him completely lost and unable to do respond.

Minutes pass until Loki finally manages to move again, but he can only drop down on his bed and stare at the ceiling high above him. At one point he raises his arm and looks at it in the slowly disappearing sunlight. It looks just the way he knows it, without any signs of markings or blue on it. Did he just imagine this happening? No, that can’t be, the destroyed part of his armor is proof that something had happened. If only he knew what it was…


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Loki is still shocked when Thor comes to him to talk about what happened, but he has no answers for him. When his mother does the same he sees himself forced to lie to her, fearing her reaction over what truly happened in Jotunheim and the consequences of it.

The sun has settled already and Loki still lays on his back when he hears a quiet knock at the opposite of his room. He frowns and pushes himself up, not quite sure what to make of it. The knocking comes back after a few moments and Loki finally realizes what he hears. He shoves himself off the bed, walking over to the big bookshelf that hides a small passageway between his and Thor’s room. When he pushes it aside, Thor almost rushes into his room without hesitation.

Loki just stares at him in complete shock and surprise as his brother starts talking, unable to make out a single word. Thor shouldn’t be here, he knows that, but he doesn’t know how to speak anymore it seems. Eventually, Loki manages to raise a hand and shake his head.

“What do you want here, brother?” he asks cold and looks up.

Thor just looks at him for a moment, startled by the sudden way Loki acts. Then, reconsidering his approach, his shoulders sink and he steps up to him.

“Why did you take the blame for what happened?” Thor wants to know and Loki shrugs.

“I encouraged you, put this stupid idea into your head, or not? It wasn’t right to let you take all the blame.”

“You knew he would banish me from Asgard, did you not?”

“I feared he would,” Loki admits and steps away from his brother. “As much as you are a pain to be around, I do not wish for you to be banished.”

“Thank you, brother,” Thor says sincerely and Loki nods in return.

“You should leave now before father finds out you are here,” Loki says without turning around. “I’m sure he will lift your punishment soon enough and everything will return to normal.”

Thor is silent for several minutes, but Loki doesn’t speak again. It’s a tactic he knows by now, Thor waits for him to say something to continue the conversation, but he doesn’t want to. He’s too confused, too shocked to even think about talking.

“I saw your arm, Loki,” Thor finally says and sends a cold shiver down Loki’s spine with his words.

“It’s nothing, forget about it.”

“What happened to it?”

Loki sighs and turns around. Thor deserves an answer, doesn’t he? After all, he had stopped fighting and brought them back. A simple answer is more than necessary, he thinks.

“One of them touched me, like Volstagg,” Loki admits, not looking into his brother’s eyes. “I killed it, but it did something to my arm. It’s gone now though, don’t worry.”

“It wasn’t like Volstagg,” Thor says and walks up to Loki, carefully taking his arm. Loki closes his eyes, he doesn’t want to see the way Thor looks at him. “Your arm was blue… why?”

“I don’t know,” Loki whispers, reminded painfully that this situation still scares him to the very core. “It started spreading and I panicked and killed that monster, then it stopped.” Loki pulls his arm out of Thor’s hands and rubs over the skin carefully, as if to reassure himself that it’s back to normal, that it won’t turn blue and cold again.

“Did it hurt?” Thor asks and tries to meet Loki’s eyes again. He doesn’t succeed.

“Just for a second,” Loki sighs weakly. “It was just cold, really, really cold…”

Thor is about to say something when a harsh knock startles them both and they share a panicked and guilty look. They nod and Thor quickly rushes back to the secret passage, which Loki seals again quickly before turning around.

“Come in!” he shouts and hopes he sounds as normal as possible. His heart beats fast and he tries to calm himself down by pressing his hand against it, hoping it will be enough.

“Loki.”

It’s his mother and Loki has never been more relieved to see her. He runs into her arms, hugging her tight and beginning to mutter apologies as she brushes a hand over his back to soothe him. For a long moment he can barely fight the guilt about the things he did, but it disappears slowly in the calming embrace and eventually, Loki manages to straighten himself.

Frigga cups her son’s face, smiling gently and pulling him onto the bed so they can sit.

“What have you gotten yourself into this time, Loki?” she asks and Loki gives her a sad smile.

“I don’t know, mother,” he sighs quietly. “I tried to make him leave again, but he couldn’t ignore being called a princess and started fighting.”

“Your brother is always a little reckless,” Frigga sighs and brushes a hand through Loki’s hair. “But why did you let him get this far to begin with?”

“We weren't supposed to even reach Jotunheim, mother. I told a guard as soon as I knew Thor wanted to go, but it didn’t help. He wanted revenge, I couldn’t stop him.”

“And you? Didn’t you want revenge too?”

“No, I…” Loki stops, wondering if she knows why this all started. She always had her ways to find out the truth, but she shows no sign of it this time. “I wanted to talk to him, that’s all. He misunderstood my words. I knew he was raging and angry, but I never thought he would go this far.”

“What happened in Jotunheim, tell me.”

Loki sighs, but he can’t refuse his mother’s request. He tells her about their journey through the icy wasteland, about Thor seeking justice for the frost giants invading Asgard, but knowingly leaves out the part where Laufey had spoken about traitors in Odin’s house.

“Laufey was willing to let us leave in peace and I told him we would. And then one of his stupid frost giants called Thor a princess and said he should run back home.”

“And then you fought,” Frigga nods and sighs. “Thor can be such a stubborn boy sometimes. Did anyone get hurt?”

“Volstagg, a frost giant grabbed his wrist,” Loki says, but doesn’t mention his own encounter of the same kind. “We managed to defend ourselves very well, mother. Thor finally snapped out of his fighting and ordered us to leave just in time.”

“Why did he change his mind?”

“I… I think I got through to him.” Loki takes a deep breath, bracing himself for the lie he is about to tell. “I was fighting next to him and managed to kill one of them when it grabbed my armor.” He holds up his hand to show the damage. “It was very close and I knew we had no chance because more and more were coming. So, I grabbed his arm, he looked at me and suddenly seemed to realize that we were outnumbered. And then we ran.”

“Oh, Loki…” Frigga smiles and strokes his head again affectionately. “I wish you two would stop with your rivalry and fighting finally, but I’m very glad you managed to make him stop.”

Loki feels as guilty as never before. He keeps talking as if he’s responsible for their return, when in reality it’s his fault that they even ended up in this situation. All because he had been jealous of Thor and wanted to ruin his big day. He looks at his mother with a heavy heart and takes her hands into his own.

“We are not fighting, mother,” he assures her quietly, trying to smile. “Thor wasn’t himself, he was blinded by revenge and anger. He’s not to blame for what happened, I am. I put this stupid idea into his head without wanting to, if anyone should be punished for it, it’s me.”

“You are very smart and cunning, Loki, but this isn’t on you alone and you know it.”

“Will father banish Thor?” Loki wants to know, but Frigga shakes her head.

“I talked him out of it, you don’t have to worry,” she says.

“What about… what about me?” Loki barely dares to ask, but he’s scared. Again, Frigga shakes her head.

“None of you will be banished, I promise,” she answers and kisses her son’s knuckles. “Your father is angry, but the damage that has been done is not as bad as it could have been and he knows that. Give him some time to calm down and it will be alright again.”

“So, we won’t get punished?”

“Your punishment will be bearable, I will make sure of that. You have to stay here for a few days, but it will be all good in the end.”

Loki is relieved, but he doesn’t feel like he deserves it. Being alone is no punishment for him normally, more of a reward, but right now it doesn’t feel like that. He wants to tell his mother about what truly happened in Jotunheim, but he’s too afraid of her reaction. Thor is worried because of it, but will she be too? Or does she know more than she tells him and will get angry when she finds out?

“I love you, Loki,” Frigga suddenly says, caressing her son’s cheek gently. “You and Thor are very different, but you are my boys and you are wonderful and I love you both endlessly.”

“I love you too, mother,” Loki says with a smile and carefully pulls her into a hug. He feels warm at her words and wishes that this feeling will never go away again, because it’s so much better than the guilt and fear he felt before. If only he could tell her, maybe he wouldn’t feel like a traitor towards her anymore then.

When Frigga leaves, Loki is more shaken up than he was before. Something isn’t right, he knows that, but he doesn’t know what. He lays back down on the bed, contemplating about the events of that day. Those patterns on his arm… they looked familiar when he saw them in Jotunheim. Would Thor recognize them if he asked? Would his mother?

Unable to sleep and still too drawn into the memories, Loki stands up and walks over to the small table near the bookshelf. He sits down and takes a paper from the pile next to him while dipping the feather he usually writes with into ink. Slow and careful, he lets the black liquid flow onto the paper and recreates the pattern he still sees when he closes his eyes. There is something secret about this, he knows it. Something forbidden that he’s not supposed to know, but does anyway. When he’s done, Loki leans back and holds the paper up to look at it. What he sees still makes no more sense than it did before.

Back in Jotunheim, when he had tried to reason with his brother to listen to Laufey, he had felt odd and somehow exposed and it wasn’t any different from the way he feels now. He closes his eyes, trying to go back to the moment they faced the frost giant king to find an answer somehow. Laufey had looked at them, but at the same time he had not looked at Thor at all, had he? He had looked at  _ him _ , at Loki, and the way he did had confused and scared him. Why does this feel so important now and why does it feel like he’s falling and losing his mind? Is it coincidence or is there really something he doesn’t understand?

Loki shivers. It all doesn’t make sense, none of it does. He buries his face in his hands and leans over the table, wishing Thor would have just stopped being the stubborn oaf he always was and forgot about Jotunheim. He never wanted it to go this far, not even close. For the first time, Loki regrets tricking his brother. Whatever is happening right now, whatever dark secret he has discovered, it will not end well and he can’t do anything about it.

\-----

Just like his brother, Thor, too, is worried and confused. Their mother had visited him and he told her what had happened, but all the while it had felt like his words were meaningless, as if she already knew them and he should be saying something different instead. What he wanted to speak about, however, was too confusing to bring up to her. He didn’t even know what had actually happened, what was he supposed to say anyway?

When he is left alone again, Thor feels anger creeping into his mind. He knows it was a stupid idea to go to Jotunheim, he doesn’t need his mother’s accusing eyes or his own sense of guilt to see that. He had not only put his friends in danger, but also his brother and the people of Asgard; all inexcusable flaws in his greed for revenge. If it weren’t for Loki suddenly pulling him out of it and back into reality, Thor is sure he would have kept fighting and they would have all died inevitably.

Loki… Thor can’t forget what he saw happening to him in Jotunheim. It still confuses him, but his worry is directed at his brother and just how terrified he had looked at him. Whatever happened, Loki had been scared and that, more than anything else, had pulled Thor out of his blood thirst. All those times they had fought together Loki had never been scared, not a single time. Seeing this expression on his face and the shock in his eyes had crushed Thor.

He doesn’t dare to go back through the secret passageway, fearing there might be someone else coming to either of them and discovering his escape. Their rooms are next to each other, it’s not a far way back, but it’s dangerous. And when he had been there the last time, Loki didn’t seem to want his company. He doesn’t blame him, but he wants to know what this all is about and it just won’t let him find any rest.

Losing his hammer is like losing a part of himself, but it’s not what keeps him up during the night. Thor knows he will get it back eventually and that he will be able to train again, but he’s not sure if what happened in Jotunheim will have more serious consequences than he can think of. That Loki took the blame for what happened, or had tried to at least, is just as confusing. He isn’t one to admit his faults, Thor always got a little annoyed by that, but this time it’s different and he can’t say why. Something happened in Jotunheim and it’s about to change everything drastically, he knows it.

When morning comes, Thor had not managed to sleep for a single minute. It’s not that he didn’t try, it’s simply that every time he closes his eyes he sees Loki’s scared eyes again and jerks back up. Finally, unable to just sit around any longer without doing anything, Thor leaves his room in search of answers.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In search for answers, Loki sneaks into the vaults of Asgard. The truth he finds there, however, is more than he has bargained for and despite Thor wanting to stop what happens, he is forced to watch the tragedy unfold in front of his eyes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A lot of this is a rewrite from an actual scene in the movie, I simply added Thor to it, so the conversation will be identical.

Loki stands by the large windows and watches the sun rise. He’s tired, but there is no way he can sleep, so he had spent the night reading and trying to find an answer to his questions. There was none, but he didn’t expect to find one that easily. By now he is sure that there is only one place to go for them and he’s scared of what he might find. If only he could ask Thor to come with him, but he doesn’t dare to even think about it. This is something he has to face alone, no matter the consequences.

Despite his fear, it’s obvious that he has to find out what’s going on with him or he will go mad just thinking about it. Careful, as if his touch alone could bring back the change, Loki runs his fingers over the back of his hand. There’s nothing out of the ordinary, no sign of markings or his skin turning blue. It all looks normal and at the same time it feels like he’s pressing his fingers against a lie.

It’s still morning when Loki sneaks out of his room, determined to find out the truth. Books can’t help him and he cannot ask anyone, but he knows his answer is in Jotunheim. He can’t go back there without being seen, but he thinks there might be a way to bring Jotunheim to him instead. 

Deep in the vaults under the palace, amongst all other treasures that are too dangerous to see the light of day, lays a casket that Odin brought from Jotunheim after the big war. Loki remembers their father showing it to them as children and being intimidated by it. He had explained that by taking it, he had stripped the frost giants of their power to attack, and that had been very impressive. Now, after the traumatizing events that have taken place in Jotunheim, Loki feels that this casket might be able to help him understand.

After sneaking past the guards and entering the vaults, Loki hesitates for the first time. This casket… it’s very powerful, he knows that. There’s a reason Odin took it and that the frost giants want it back - how else would he have been able to lure them into Asgard to ruin Thor’s coronation? The closer he gets to the casket, however, the more Loki doubts his plan. What if he is about to make a huge mistake? If the casket is really that powerful it could just freeze him on the spot and nothing would be won. And if it doesn’t, how can he be sure that he really wants to know the truth?

Loki looks at the casket for a long time, his hands lingering over the handles without touching them. It’s his curiosity that finally wins his inner battle and the second his fingers wrap around the cold handles and he picks the casket up, he feels an icy rush go through his whole body. In complete fascination and awe, Loki stares at his hands as they start to change - at first only his fingers, but soon more and more until he can feel the cold creeping into every cell of his body.

“Stop!” It’s his father’s voice and another, but Loki doesn’t hear them or recognizes them for a moment. He is hypnotized by what he sees, overwhelmed by what happens to him and how he can feel that he changes. It’s strong and eerie and at the same time it’s like the truth finally settles in and breaks down walls of lies that have been surrounding him all his life.

“Am I cursed?” Loki eventually asks, quiet and scared. There are steps that suddenly stop and then the same voice from before speaks, twisting Loki’s guts at the sound.

“No.”

He slowly lowers the casket again, without turning around, fear creeping into his voice, along with something far more dangerous: anger.

“What am I?”

“You’re my son,” Odin answers immediately.

At this, Loki finally puts the casket down and slowly turns around. His face isn’t the pale, soft white Thor knows. Instead it’s blue like those of the frost giants they had fought the previous day and his eyes, normally the emerald green Thor enjoys seeing so much, are red and ominous. All over his forehead and chin are the same markings Thor had seen in Jotunheim, but there is no cruelty on his face like it had been on the frost giants, just absolute shock and confusion and sorrow. Thor is sure Loki doesn’t even see him, but it doesn’t matter. He can see his brother and what he sees he will never be able to forget.

Suddenly, Loki begins to change. The blue color slowly vanishes from his face, along with the markings, and while it does, Loki asks a question so dooming that it makes the hairs on Thor’s arms rise.

“What  _ more  _ than that?” The anger is undoubtedly there now and Thor watches completely thunderstruck how Loki begins so walk up to their father - back to his old self but no less frightening than a minute earlier. His voice is as cold as ice, more so than ever before. “The casket wasn’t the only thing you took from Jotunheim that day, was it?”

Odin stays still, without an answer, until Loki stops in front of him and looks up. Thor is rendered completely useless and can only sit on the stairs and watch as the events unfold in front of his eyes.

“No,” Odin finally speaks again, unexpectedly calm. “In the aftermath of the battle, I went into the temple and I found a baby.” He pauses for a moment, as if to recall a memory. “Small for a giant’s offspring, abandoned, suffering… left to die… Laufey’s son.”

Thor’s eyes are glued to his brother and he takes every last bit of his reaction in. There is wonder and confusion and undoubtedly tears in his eyes and Loki looks into Thor’s direction, without realizing he is there. He’s far away, trapped in a moment he cannot remember, in a truth that is shattering everything he thought he knew.

“ _ Laufey’s _ son…” he says quietly, as if to help the sheer weight of those news to sink in. Loki blinks and looks back up at Odin silently.

“Yes.” It’s Odin’s only response.

Loki fights for words, seemingly unable to process what he had just heard and his eyes shimmering.

“ _ Why _ ?” he asks. “You were knee-deep in Jotun blood, why would you take me?” 

“You were an innocent child,” Odin starts, but it’s all he can say before Loki interrupts him.

“No. You took me for a purpose. What was it?”

Thor can see the pain on his brother’s face, how he struggles to keep his voice down, to conceal his anger. He wants to run up to him and stop this madness, but he is frozen in place as if an invisible force holds him down. All he can do, all he can force himself to do, is whisper Loki’s name almost inaudible.

There is silence after Loki’s question, a silence so overwhelming and painful that Thor can almost grab it. And that’s when Loki loses it. His anger breaks through, crushes through the shock and confusion and when he yells at their father, Thor can feel the raw and unexpectedly strong emotions from Loki to the very core.

“TELL ME!”

“I thought we could unite out kingdoms one day,” Odin says again, trying to explain. “Bring about an alliance, bring about a permanent peace… through you.” 

Thor barely hears what their father says. He’s focused on Loki and how those words are like knives stabbing his heart, how each and every one of them increases his suffering. 

“What?” Loki’s voice is so weak it could be nonexistent too. His face is nothing but a mask of pain and heartbreak, caused by the truth he had so desperately tried to find without knowing how much it would hurt.

“But those plans no longer matter,” Odin closes and Thor is stunned by the sudden tension.

Something will happen, it’s inevitable. Thor glances at Odin for a moment, surprised how he can look so unaffected by his own words, before his eyes go back to look at his brother. Loki’s demeanor crumbles and falls apart and when he speaks again Thor can see tears running down his cheeks.

“So, I am no more than another stolen relic?” Loki asks, pain filling his voice. “Locked up here, until you might have use of me.”

“Why’d you twist my words?” Odin asks, but Loki isn’t done. He's far from done.

“You could have told me what I was from the beginning, why didn’t you?”

“You are my son, I only wanted to protect you from the truth.”

Loki’s next words are deeply hurt and heartbroken and Thor feels like someone had just cut his throat when he hears them.

“Why? Because I… I-I-I am the monster parents tell their children about at night?”

There is a moment when Odin wants to protest, but he cannot find the words. Thor finally manages to move and pushes himself up, but he is unable to prevent what happens next.

“You know, it all makes sense now, why you favored Thor all these years!” Loki snarls as his unfiltered anger finds a way out and he walks over to Odin, who is sinking against the stairs weakly. Loki is intimidating, even for his older brother. Thor is thrown aback by the way Loki feels, his heart shattering realizing that he is speaking the truth and nothing but that. Odin reaches out with a hand in a last attempt to get through to Loki, but it’s in vain. “Because no matter how much you claim to  _ love  _ me, you could never have a  _ frost giant _ sitting on the throne of Asgard!”

“Brother…” Thor whispers quietly and watches how their father, weak from the threat of another war and what had just happened, sinks down completely and eventually lays still in front of their feet.

Loki stares at Odin in utter shock and Thor rushes to his side, finally free from whatever had held him back before. He watches Loki raise his hands, but it’s no more than a scared gesture with no purpose. They both watch their father for a few moments, who breathes steadily but shallow, undoubtedly asleep. Loki lays a hand on Odin’s as more tears roll down his face and it’s this gesture that gives Thor the strength to cover his brother’s hand with his own. At this, finally, Loki looks at him. And Thor knows he can see him this time.

“I… I didn’t mean to…” Loki stutters, fighting for the words to leave his tongue “I didn’t know, Thor… I didn’t…”

“It’s okay, brother,” Thor whispers and pulls Loki’s head towards him, against his chest. “It was an accident, it’s not your fault.”

Loki shakes his head and pushes himself away.

“Guards!” he yells, his panicking eyes shifting over Odin’s body. “Guards, please help!”

They arrive only seconds after and Thor pulls Loki up as they fall on their knees to attend their king. The brothers stumble backwards and Loki leans against Thor frightened, his eyes not for a second leaving their father on the ground. He’s shaking and no matter how much Thor tries to soothe him, it’s of no use. They don’t move while the guards carry their father away, don’t move when the doors close and silence surrounds them once more. The shock over what had just happened is debilitating and terrifying just the same.

Thor realizes that nothing will ever be the same again now and it breaks not only his heart, but his soul just the same.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thor desperately wants to speak to Loki about what happened in the Vaults before, but when he comes to his brother he is met with a coldness and distance he has never seen before. He doesn't understand why Loki acts the way he does, but it's painful to witness.

The events that follow the king’s descent into the Odinsleep are rash and confusing. Their mother refuses to leave the king’s bedside, shattered and mourning, but she is the one who officially gives the throne to Loki while her oldest son is forced to watch and stay silent. Thor isn’t sure how he feels about it when the guards hand Loki the king’s staff. There is no coronation, no celebration or feast; just his horribly sad and heartbroken brother and a burden that has fallen onto him now. Thor feels no envy or jealousy, in fact, he feels nothing but sadness and confusion.

What happened in the vaults is a secret between the brothers and their sleeping father and Thor doesn’t dare to speak to Loki about it. Loki shows no intention to bring the topic up either, but Thor knows it’s only a matter of time until he will. Loki’s words hurt him, more than he likes to admit, but he knows that his brother is hurt just as much, if not worse. He had never thought that Loki could be loved any less than he was, but that was nothing compared to the things their father had admitted to him.

Eventually, after two awfully quiet and haunting days, Thor summons all the courage he has and approaches his brother. Loki sits on the throne, taking up as much space as physically possible, and stares him down in ways he has never experienced before. It’s like he’s looking at a stranger with a familiar face.

“Brother,” Thor says reverent, greeting the new king of Asgard by kneeling before him. “May I have a moment of your time, please?”

Loki looks at him for a long moment before he turns to the guards around the throne and signals them to leave. He waits until they are gone and he is alone with his brother, before standing up. Thor is surprised by the sudden confidence in the way Loki walks down the stairs and the cold, almost arrogant look on his face. It’s uncomfortable seeing him like this.

“What is it that you want from me, Thor?” Loki asks and Thor feels a sting in his chest at his tone of voice. He slowly stands up to look at him eye-to-eye.

“I want to talk to you,” Thor says freely, knowing that dancing around the topic won’t help. “We didn’t have a chance to talk since father fell into the Odinsleep.”

“What do you want to talk about?” Loki shifts his hips and shoots him an estimating glare.

“Brother, please,” Thor begins and steps up to Loki, who immediately backs away from him with what almost looks like panic in his eyes. Thor is more confused than ever before. “Why are you so cold suddenly? What have I done wrong, tell me.”

Loki squints his eyes, but doesn’t reply. It’s almost as if he tries to assert his dominance over him and Thor is deeply confused by this behavior. 

“I know what happened was traumatizing, but I want to help you, Loki,” Thor tries again, more soothing this time. “This isn’t you, brother. You were never this cold and cruel. Why do you push me away like this now?”

“I’m not your brother,” Loki snarls, raising his chin and looking down at Thor. “I never was. It’s time you accept that.”

“Loki, please!” Thor cannot hide the betrayal he feels, but there’s no sign of sympathy coming from his brother.

“I think you should leave now,” Loki says and walks back up the stairs to sit down on the throne. “You have lost your right to the throne, there is no reason for you to be here.”

“This is how you truly feel?” Thor asks, dropping his shoulders. His will to fight is gone and feels almost naive now. “Is the throne really all you want, brother? Does the past mean nothing to you?”

“Why should a past full of lies and false promises matter to me?” Loki asks, his voice trembling as he speaks. “Or is it because you despise seeing me here, on the throne you so long wanted to inherit?”

“I never lied to you,” Thor says, shaking his head. He can’t believe Loki would say such things or even think about them. “You were always my brother, Loki, and nothing will ever change that. Why do you think I would be jealous of you now?”

“I was never your brother,” Loki snarls again, gripping the staff in his hand tighter. “Your father lied to both of us and I finally accepted it. I am not Odin’s son, I never was.”

“But you are _my brother_ ,” Thor insists, without looking away from Loki. “Odin or Laufey, it doesn’t matter whose son you are. We were raised side by side, you will never be anything other than my brother.”

“Enough!” Loki hisses angrily. “Enough with this weak sentiment! Go back to your friends and plot the revolt they are already thinking about, but do not expect me to let you take what’s rightfully mine so easily!”

Thor feels like he’s been slapped across the face. All his life he had adored and loved his brother unconditionally, no matter how much they fought and argued. Finding out Loki was not his father’s son wasn’t easy, but it had not changed the way he felt at all. Why can’t he see that? Why does Loki believe he is a part of this masquerade?

“You will only get this throne over my dead body,” Loki snarls, gritting his teeth. “Now run back to your friends and cry on their shoulders, you are excused by your king.”

“I will leave,” Thor says and looks up at his brother one last time with a sad expression. “But I had no part in those lies, brother, no matter how much you think I did. I didn’t know. If you want to hate me, I cannot stop you, but you are wrong. Asgardian or not, Jotun or not, you are my brother and you will always be.”

Loki doesn’t reply, only looks at Thor with the coldest eyes his brother has ever seen. They say more than words ever could and it hurts more just the same. When Thor leaves he wonders why Loki choose to push him away instead of talking to him, but he can’t find an answer. He doesn’t understand his brother anymore and it hurts to see how he has changed in such a short time. In a way, Thor hates Odin for keeping his true heritage a secret from Loki. Now he’s forced to watch his brother be cold and distant, cruel even, and he cannot comprehend it. He always thought they would love each other until the very end, but it seems he’s the only one who feels this way now.

\-----

The moment Thor is gone, Loki lowers his head and his cold demeanor disappears. He covers his face with a hand in a vain attempt to keep himself together as the first tears already roll down his cheeks. They are bitter and painful, but Loki cannot stop them. He never truly had a grudge on Thor because he was supposed to become king, it had all been fun and brotherly rivalry and nothing else. Thor was his brother, wasn’t he? All his life Loki had tried to be his equal, to win his favor and love, to be good enough for him.

And now? Now he pushed him away like a filthy peasant, unworthy of even talking to him. He is disgusted with himself for being so cruel and awful. This isn’t how he wants to be, but how can he be sure Thor didn’t know about this world-shattering secret and the truth behind it? How can he be sure that Thor’s surprise and concern weren’t just good acting in an effort to keep him in his place?

Loki doesn’t know what’s real and what isn’t anymore. He throws himself over the armrest of the throne, biting down on his bottom lip so hard he draws blood. Why did Odin have to take him and lie to him throughout his whole life? Did he not know that one day his secret would be discovered or did he simply not care about the damaged he was causing?

With a stinging pain in his stomach, Loki raises his hand and turns it in front of his eyes. He had tried to reveal his true self over the last days whenever he was alone, but he never came far. Now he tries again and, as before, his hand slowly begins to change. He stares at the pattern on his skin, furrowing his brows as it starts to turn back to the way it was before. Loki is sure that, if he practiced harder, he would be able to change completely on will. He doesn’t know why he would want to do that, but the effort had grounded him partially over the last days.

Loki knows there is no way Thor cannot be appalled by him, cannot thoroughly hate him, now that he knows what he truly is. No matter how much he claims to love him, in the end he is just a monster in his eyes, a monster Loki knows Thor hates more than any other. Throughout their whole childhood they had played games like ‘kill the frost giant’ and ‘conquer Jotunheim’ and even if Thor forgot, Loki hadn’t. Now those games had become bitter reality, but they are not games anymore for Loki and that’s the worst part about it.

“I should’ve just let you have your big day,” Loki mumbles to himself and wipes the tear strains off his face. “You’d be king now and none of us would know the ugly truth.”

Loki realized that the throne doesn’t mean anything to him anymore. The only reason he clings to it is because there is nothing else he has left. Asgard is not his home, his family is not his family and the acceptance he told himself existed in the past feels wrong and shallow now. There is no love left for him, no place, no right to exist. All he has is a throne that means nothing and a secret that sooner or later will be revealed to everyone. And when that happens, Loki knows exactly how it’s going to end.

\-----

Thor doesn’t plan to go to his friends, as Loki suggested. He’s stunned by what just happened, by the amount of hostility and rejection he experienced by his own brother. This is not at all what he had expected and it’s hard to understand why Loki would suddenly think this way. It feels like a nightmare he cannot escape, no matter how hard he tries.

For a while, Thor thinks about going to his mother to talk to her, but he doesn’t want to disturb her in her mourning. He knows that she fears his father won’t awaken again and it saddens him, but right now his worries about Loki are much more than those about him. Despite his wish to speak to someone about this, however, Thor decides against telling anyone else. This isn’t something that can be revealed without consequences and he doesn’t want those. Loki might be cold and heartbroken, but he’s still his brother and Thor doesn’t wish to cause him any more unnecessary pain.

Maybe Loki will come to him when he’s ready, Thor tries to console himself. He really wants to believe this is possible, but knowing Loki and seeing him as a king now makes it very difficult to do so. He had never been one to openly talk about his feelings, so Thor doubts it’s going to be different this time. He wishes it would be, but wishing is for children and he knows that too. So eventually, aware that he can do nothing to change their situation, Thor decides to wait.

Days pass without the brothers seeing each other. When days become weeks, Thor’s heart begins to ache. He knows Loki is there, ruling the kingdom, but he does so in complete isolation and he cannot even get so much as a glimpse at him. The guards won’t let him through anymore, his mother cannot change Loki’s mind because the moment she mentions Thor’s name alone, Loki will send her away, and all he has left is the realization that Loki has chosen his path. And this path, as painful as it is, is one he wants to walk without his brother.

Thor spends a lot of time alone, thinking about all the possible things he could have done to hurt Loki and lead them to this situation. They had always teased each other, yes, but he never saw any of this as more than child’s play and fun. It makes no sense that Loki suddenly acts the way he does, without giving him an explanation or even a word about it.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Being apart from Loki like this is something Thor is unable to handle, so he decides talk to his brother, even if he won't get an answer. When he does, however, Thor realizes that there is much more behind his cold and rejection that he thought at first and it's breaking his heart.

One night, when he is sure that everyone in the palace has gone to sleep, Thor sneaks up to Loki’s chamber - a new, bigger one, suitable for the king of Asgard. It’s locked as always, preventing him from entering. Thor sits down in front of the door, his back and head resting against the wooden surface, completely still for several minutes. He doesn’t know if Loki is even inside or not, if he will hear him or not, but he doesn’t care. There is no other way to speak to him, so he closes his eyes and just does it.

“You were my world, Loki,” Thor says, loud enough for his voice to reach through the door if anyone is inside to hear it. “You were and you are, nothing will ever change that. You are my friend and my brother, the one whose hand I want to hold for all eternity and whom I want to protect with my life. I loved you more than anything in this world, brother, and I still do. Whatever dark times you are going through, whatever you are fighting all by yourself… you are still the light that helps me find my way and I wish you would allow me to help you...”

Tears roll down Thor’s face, but there is nothing he wants to do about them. They don’t make him feel weak or immature, they just feel pure and necessary. Even if Loki cannot hear him, he hopes he does. And if he doesn’t want to believe him he will accept it somehow, even if it hurts. He’s quiet for a few minutes, trying to find the words, before he continues to speak.

“I don’t care if we are related by blood or not, none of that matters to me. I don’t know why you hate me so much, brother, but whatever it is that I have done to wrong you, I am truly sorry for it. I never wanted to hurt you, I mean it.”

The silence of the palace is heavy around Thor. He barely makes a sound when he doesn't speak, even his breathing is so quiet that he can hardly hear it himself. By now he is sure that Loki is either not there or asleep, or else he would have heard a noise from inside the room already, but it’s no reason for him to leave. This is the closest he has been to his brother in weeks, even if they are far apart, and Thor doesn’t want to think about ending it yet.

“Do you remember the time I tried to fight off a bear with my bare hands and you saved me with one of your illusions?” Thor asks, smiling weakly at the innocent memory washing over him. “You yelled at me for hours and punched me because I wanted to prove I was strong enough to fight it and nearly died and I laughed so much my stomach hurt. Mother was so angry with me for ruining my clothes and you kept teasing me with it for weeks after…”

Thor wants nothing more than to hear Loki’s voice, even angry or mad, it doesn’t matter. His eyes are stinging and his cheeks are wet, his hands clawing into the fabric covering his chest desperately. He would smash this door if he could and just force his way inside, but he knows the thought alone is laughable. Even if he would succeed, if Loki is inside and doesn’t want to see him, he would be gone before the dust even had a chance to settle.

“What happened, Loki?” Thor asks, his voice weak, heavy and defeated now. “Where did it all go wrong? Why does it feel like you died and I’m talking to a ghost in the middle of the night, trying to bring you back somehow? Why does it feel like every word I say pushes you further and further away from me?”

_ I lost him _ , Thor thinks and the thought is so intense and overpowering that he throws himself forward, sobbing like a child. There is absolutely no way to stop it, not with the immense pain in his heart and those words repeating themselves in his head over and over again.

_ I lost him, I lost him, I lost him. _

“Loki, please!” Thor cries and throws himself against the door desperately. “Please say something! Anything, please! This is madness!”

“Is it madness?” a quiet, sad voice asks, so close to the door that Thor blinks confused. “ _ Is it _ ?”

“Loki…” Thor tries to focus, to force the tears away and his inner turmoil to stop, but he can’t. “Loki, please…”

“I remember those times, but the brother you know is long gone,” Loki says bitter, making Thor slump against the door. “All he left behind is a monster, the sooner you accept that, the better.”

“No, Loki,” Thor says and shakes his head violently. He slams his fists against the door so much it shakes. “I won’t accept it, I can’t! I don’t care what happened, I don’t care where you came from or what you are!” His hands pressed against the door, Thor feels his whole life slip away from him. “Please, brother… don’t make me lose you because of this… I love you, please don’t do this to me…”

There is a long minute in which the only sounds are Thor’s sobbing and his frantic breathing. Then, a quiet metallic noise comes from the door and for a moment, Thor actually sits back and stares at it. He doesn’t understand before Loki finally speaks again.

“You never want to listen, you are too stubborn for your own good.” Loki’s voice is the most hurt Thor has ever heard. Careful, he presses his palms against the large door and it gives way without any effort. Thor doesn’t move, he doesn’t dare to. When the door finally opens enough to reveal his brother he can only see his back and he reaches out for him.

“Loki…”

“Can you love a monster like me, really,  _ brother _ ?” Loki asks and now, finally, turns around.

Thor’s hand drops immediately. It’s almost as if he has traveled back in time, to the vaults where Loki discovered who he truly was, and it hits him hard. His brother looks at him through sad red eyes, his blue skin unable to hide the pain on his face. Thor sees tears in his red eyes and on his cheeks and it makes his guts twist to realize Loki had been crying too.

“Can you?” Loki asks again, fresh tears falling from his eyes. “This is what I truly am, Thor. I am what you hate the most, one of the monsters you always wanted to hunt down and slay.”

Thor gulps. He finally realizes why Loki acts so cold towards him, why he keeps him away the best he can. Those improvident words, spoken by a child ready to fight all evil monsters, are the true root of his brother’s pain. How could he have known? How could he have known that those words would haunt him and cause his brother so much pain? Loki’s eyes are full of betrayal and it hurts Thor more than all wounds in battle ever could.

“This is what you wanted, isn’t it?” Loki asks, his lips curling into the saddest smile. “You say you love me, but you cannot even speak when you see me like this, when you see the monster you thought was your brother...”

“No, Loki,” Thor whispers, surprising his brother with the sudden soft tone in his voice. “You are not a monster, you never were, and I love you no less like this than I did before.”

“How can you say that and willingly slaughter my kind to assert your position in battle?”

“Loki, I didn’t know,” Thor weakly defends his reckless behavior. “I assure you that nothing has changed about the way I feel for you.”

Loki stays silent and looks down at his hands. For a moment, Thor hesitates, but he’s not scared anymore like he was the first time he saw Loki like this. He hates himself for that, but the surprise and shock had been too strong. Now, however, he knows that he had been wrong. Gentle and almost tender, Thor brushes his fingers over Loki’s bare arm. His skin is cold and the unexpected touch makes him shiver, but Thor isn’t thrown aback by his reaction.

“Loki, why would you think I could love you any less like this?” Thor asks, shoving himself closer so he sits next to him.

“I saw the way you looked at me,” Loki mumbles, evading his brother’s gaze. “You looked disgusted and scared…”

“I was scared, yes,” Thor admits, smiling weakly. “But I was never disgusted by you...” To prove his words he brushes his fingers along Loki’s arm, carefully trailing over the markings on it until he reaches his hand. “I didn’t know what happened, I was shocked as much as you were, nothing else.”

Loki looks at Thor’s hand laying still on his own for a moment before slowly entwining their fingers. Thor doesn’t know why, but the soft gaze he sees in his brother’s eyes is fascinating and filled with nothing but kindness. After a moment, Loki’s lips turn into a faint smile.

“Your hand feels nice in mine,” he says quietly. “It’s warm…”

“It is,” Thor agrees a little confused. He thought before his hands were cold, but in Loki’s they do feel warm, he feels it too. “And you feel cold.”

“I’m always cold,” Loki says sadly and brushes his fingers over Thor’s. “When I’m like this the cold is always there…”

They stay like this for a while, Loki almost absentmindedly caressing Thor’s fingers while his brother watches i awe. He’s fascinated by the way Loki looks, he cannot help it. It saddens him to think that Loki would believe he doesn’t like his appearance or is scared of it. He’s not like the frost giants they met in Jotunheim, who were huge and bulky and ugly. No, Loki is just Loki, as pretty as he has always been in Thor’s eyes, blue skin or not. Maybe even a little more, if he’s honest with himself. Those markings suit him and it doesn’t feel weird at all that he’s blue or so cold.

“I know what you’re thinking,” Loki sighs after a long while, looking over his shoulder and at his brother with his sad eyes. “And it’s okay. I know I’m ugly like this, but I thank you for not running away from me.”

“Ugly?” Thor asks confused, not quite sure if he understood that right. “There is nothing ugly about you, brother.”

“You don’t have to lie to make me feel better, I know the truth.”

“Then you should know I’m not lying,” Thor says sincerely. Loki looks at him like a deer in the headlights, obviously not expecting this kind of reaction.

“How can you say that?” Loki asks, visibly confused. “Don’t you see me? Don’t you see the monster right in front of you?”

“If only you would stop calling yourself a monster,” Thor sighs and covers the hand brushing over his fingers with his free one. “You couldn’t be further away from that, Loki. You are still as beautiful as ever, nothing has changed.”

Loki is blushing, even now it’s visible. He looks away from Thor, trying to hide it, but it’s of no use. Thor smiles at this sincere and kind of sweet reaction to his words. He pulls their hands up, pressing a gentle kiss on his brother’s fingertips that makes him shudder against his chest.

“I thought you’d hate me,” Loki whispers, gripping Thor’s hand tighter. “I was so scared in Jotunheim, I didn’t know what to do… and then… I wanted answers, I didn’t know what would happen, really. I didn’t mean for father to fall into the Odinsleep like that…”

“Shh Loki, it’s okay,” Thor hushes and wraps his arm around his brother before covering his hand again. He holds him completely against his chest now, Loki’s cold radiating through his skin. “I know you didn’t want this, it wasn’t your fault…”

“Was I right, brother?” Loki suddenly asks, looking up at Thor. “Am I just another stolen relic? Am I nothing more than the casket, a tool of war that has to be locked away until my time comes?”

“Don’t think about yourself like that, Loki.” Everything in Thor hurts at those awful words. “You are not a relic, you never were.”

“What am I then?” Loki wants to know, his red eyes now shimmering so much that Thor can barely stop himself from wiping the tears that are building up in them away. He leans down and kisses Loki’s forehead gently, right on one of his pretty markings.

“You are my brother and you were never anything less,” he assures him quietly. “I know you're scared, but I won't turn on you or hurt you, Loki, I promise.”

Loki doesn't answer, but when he looks up at Thor his face begins to change. The blue turns back to white and when the process reaches his eyes Thor sees the transformation up close for the first time. He's completely mesmerized. As Loki's eyes slowly turn back from red to green, he feels weak for a moment, without knowing why. In all his visits to other realms, in all those years he has seen the world, nothing was ever as beautiful as Loki in this moment and the sheer realization of this makes him feel more conflicted and light than ever before.

“Why are you changing back?” Thor asks when he finally finds his voice again and Loki gives him a sweet and sad smile.

“I'd like to be alone now,” he says, voice heavy with emotions. Thor is confused by this sudden request.

“Did I say something wrong?” he asks, but Loki shakes his head.

“I can't do this, Thor,” he sighs and frees himself from his brother's embrace, who can't do anything but let it happen. Loki wraps his arms around himself as his hands turn back at last. “Please leave, it's better this way. I know you want things to go back to how they used to be, but that's impossible.”

Crushed and defeated, Thor drags himself up and looks at his brother. For a moment he had thought that everything would be good, that Loki understood and believed him. Now it feels like someone has ripped out his heart and the empty feeling in his chest aches to be filled again.

“If this is your wish, I will leave.” Thor hears the words coming from his mouth, but they sound far away. “I meant what I said, brother. You were my world and you still are, I'm sad that you don't feel the same way anymore. But maybe you never did to begin with…”

Without waiting for an answer, he leaves the new king’s chambers, without looking back. He wants to hold onto the belief that the brother he loves is still there, hiding under the cold and cruel behavior, waiting to come back. But somehow, even though he tries his best to do that, he can feel Loki slip away from him more and more. It's like he's pushed back two steps for each one he makes forward, as if the distance between them keeps growing despite his best efforts to close it. All he wants is to have Loki back and it breaks his heart that it becomes more unlikely each day.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's at night when a guard informs Thor the king wants to see him and despite being nervous and kind of scared, Thor will not deny Loki his wish. He's faced with the harsh truth about just how bad things are for his brother very soon and realizes how much Loki is hurt for real.

After the first few days, Thor starts to lose hope that Loki will change his mind. He curses himself for  _ ever  _ setting a foot into Jotunheim, because he knows without his reckless actions Loki would still be the brother he knew for so long. He never thought Loki would turn his back at him, he had always been there for his brother, no matter what. Now he's as far away as never before and Thor feels hopelessly abandoned and lonely.

Day and night he waits, for a sign, for steps outside his door, for Loki’s voice to break through the silence, saying his name… but it never happens. Nothing happens and with each hour passing by like this, his hope shrinks. He still waits, he still spends his time alone in his room or on the palace grounds, but he knows he waits for nothing in the end.

It's been another week that Thor didn't see his brother when a guard suddenly knocks on his door late at night, waking him up. He's more than a little confused when he gets told the king wants to see him in his chambers. Thor nods, promising to come once he got dressed and closes the door again.

Why did Loki suddenly change his mind? Or is this the last time he will see his brother because he decided to banish him after all, just so Thor has no way of coming close to him ever again? It makes no sense, but Thor will follow Loki's request, not only as his king but as his brother. If it turns out to be the last time they meet, he will face him eye to eye, as it should be. He would never deny Loki any request, he knows that, no matter how much it might destroy him in the end.

Thor doesn't bother putting on his armour, it's too heavy and seems unfitting, so instead he dresses in simple pants and a shirt. Under normal circumstances he wouldn't have changed at all, but this is anything but normal, so he does.

When he knocks on Loki's door, he feels extremely nervous suddenly. This is either the end or the beginning of something and Thor doesn't know which will be better for them. It takes a few moments before the doors open and he steps into a seemingly empty room, with no sign of his brother anywhere. A loud thud behind him signals the door closing once he’s inside and then there's nothing but silence.

“Loki?” Thor asks confused, looking around. The room is trashed, a complete and utter mess. Books lay scattered on the floor, the furniture is destroyed, chairs and tables and vases covering everything. The bed is still intact, but it's covered with papers and the sheets are tangled. It looks like a hurricane has devastated the room and Thor feels his heart sink in his chest. “Loki?” he asks again, concerned instead of confused now, but there is no answer once again..

He steps into the room, carefully evading the shards of ceramic and glass on the floor. When he finally managed to walk over to the bed, he notices that the paper covering it aren't book pages, as he had assumed. They're single sheets of paper, covered with drawings and words, hundreds of them. Fascinated, Thor picks one of the drawings up and looks at it up close. The lines on it are the same he has seen on Loki before and he feels a certain calm when he looks at them. The other papers, however, the ones with words on them, don't make him feel calm at all. Not even close.

_ Monster. Abomination. Beast. Dangerous. Vile. Unwanted. Unlovable. Liar. Traitor. _

The words cover page after page, written again and again and every single one of them is stained with tears. There's a bitter taste in his mouth when he picks up the last sheet of paper. This one isn't covered, there are merely a few words written on it in the elegant and clear handwriting he was so envious of as a child, but they are the most painful to read.

_ I, Loki, the son of Laufey, am an imposter on the throne of Asgard and a traitor to the rightful heir. I betrayed him of the throne and murdered the king. I am a monster and deserve to be slain like others of my kind. _

“Oh, brother…”

Thor realizes that he couldn't care less about this confession over the throne. Asgard never felt so unimportant before, nothing did. Loki is the only one he cares about and it breaks something deep in his soul to see the horrible things his brother thinks about himself. No matter what happened, Thor never saw him as a monster for even a second.

He looks up in search of his brother, the paper falling out of his fingers when he spots the silhouette across the room. Loki stands hidden in a corner, swallowed by the shadows. Thor cannot see his face, but he feels Loki's eyes on him. Scared, sad, heartbroken. The urge to cross the room is strong, but Thor doesn't dare to move.

“Do you hate me for what I did?” Loki asks quietly, his voice shaking with every word.

“I could never hate you,” Thor answers without hesitating, shaking his head.

“I stole your throne.”

“The throne means nothing to me when it means losing you.”

Loki laughs, a sounds so bitter and cold that it sends a shiver down Thor's spine.

“I never thought things would go so wrong,” Loki sighs, his figure leaning against the wall. “I wanted to ruin your big day, nothing more.”

“Why didn't you tell me? Do you truly believe I would choose the throne over you? I would have turned it down if only you had asked me to.”

“You always wanted the throne.” Loki is silent for a moment, then continues. “You were born to be a king.”

“And so were you,” Thor states as a matter of fact, but Loki shakes his head.

“Not here, not like you, no...” he simply says.

“Loki, no matter the reasons, you are king now and I will not try to take that away from you.” Thor doesn't know if his words even matter, but they feel important and he cannot take the silence between them. “I will even leave Asgard if this is what you truly want, but do not think I would ever turn on you, brother. Please don't, not even for a moment think I would.”

“Why shouldn't you?” Loki asks sadly. “Did I not do the same? Did I not betray you first? You have every right to return the favor.”

“But I won't,” Thor sighs. “I love you, brother, even if you don't believe me. I do. Asgard is my home, but so are you, you always were. It saddens me that you cannot see that.”

For a long time, Loki is silent. Thor knows his words are hurtful, even if they are not supposed to be. But they are true. When he thinks of home he doesn't think of the palace, the gardens or all the gold around him. He thinks of his brother, of his smile and his laugh, of the time they spent together. Of how happy he is when Loki is there. That hasn't changed, not even now.

“I know what happened hurt you, Loki,” Thor continues because his brother won't speak. “I cannot imagine how much, but I wish you wouldn't push me away. Nothing has changed for me, you are still the brother I loved all my life.”

“Has nothing changed, really?” Loki asks and finally steps out of the shadows.

Thor's eyes widen when he sees him. He has once more changed, his blue skin almost glowing in the flickering candlelight, red eyes locked with Thor's blue ones. Loki is dressed in a black tunic with golden accents and nothing more, clothes more fitting for a pleasant than the king of Asgard, but this thought doesn't even form in Thor's head. He's stunned by the elegance his brother moves with, by the way his feet seem to barely touch the ground. His throat tightens when he stops in front of him, looking up. Has Loki always looked this way and he just never noticed it? Thor doesn't know, even thinking seems impossible for some reason.

“You said I'm your king now, your brother, your home… can you look at me and say that nothing has changed, without lying to me?”

“Loki,” Thor whispers, unable to raise his voice, and lays a shaky hand on his brother's cheek. “Nothing changed, nothing will ever change. Asgard could burn and all I would try to save is you.”

Loki chokes back the tears forming in his eyes and that's when Thor does something he never thought he would do. He doesn't know why he does it, if it's because he wants to show his brother that he means his words or if it's because he has never seen something as beautiful as Loki in this moment, but it doesn't matter.

Thor leans down, a hand still laying on his cheek, and seals Loki's lips with his own. The surprise and shock in his brother's eyes are there, but only for a moment before he closes his eyes and gives into the touch. Thor slowly wraps an arm around Loki's waist to hold him close, savoring their chilling kiss. He never imagined doing something like this, but it's all that fills his head right now and he doesn't want this moment to end ever again.

Breaking their kiss and pulling apart enough to look at each other takes like forever and when they do there is nothing any of them can say for a moment. Slowly, Thor realizes what he has just done and he can feel his heart skip a few beats. His eyes widen, but he can't move away, can't let go of his brother, who looks at him with glossy and unbelievably sad eyes.

“Loki, I…” Thor's voice cracks and the rest of his words refuse to come out. What was he going to say anyway? I'm sorry? I didn't mean it? He's not sorry and he  _ did  _ mean it - it's the most confusing feeling he can imagine. He doesn't know why he feels the way he does or why all he can think of is how tender and perfect Loki's lips have felt and how desperately he wants them back on his.

“Again.” Loki breathes softly and Thor willingly obliges.

Their second kiss is not as shy or careful as the first, but it's no less intense. Now Loki wraps his arms around his brother too, crossing his hands behind his neck, and fully drowns in the moment. This time, Thor pulls Loki even closer, the hand that had caressed his cheek before now buried in his hair. When Loki parts his lips and their kiss deepens, Thor is overwhelmed by the sweetness and cold filling his mouth. He hums delighted, his thoughts only circling around how utterly amazing kissing Loki feels. It’s like he’s dying and coming to Valhalla, an overwhelming feeling of perfection and happiness that fills him completely.

This time it's Loki who breaks their kiss, longing eyes locked with his brother’s and his inviting lips glistering gorgeously. Thor's head spins and he can't ignore the craving need he feels anymore. All other thoughts are banished from his mind, only leaving the beautiful and alluring way Loki looks at him.

“Do you really love me, brother?” Loki asks and never have words sounded more desperate and more frightened at the same time to Thor.

“I always loved you,” Thor whispers and kisses Loki again, short and tender. It's true, it has always been and always will be. “Never doubt that I do.”

Loki's hands are trembling when he unwraps them from Thor's neck and brings them down to his chest. His gaze lowers, almost as if he wants to hide his face. When he speaks, his words are a quiet whisper.

“I never wanted to push you away, but I was too scared to let you close, to let you see what I truly am… I didn't believe you could still love me like this.”

“Loki,” Thor murmurs, gently cupping his brother's face so he has to look up again. “I have never seen anything more beautiful than you in all the nine realms.”

“Even now?” Loki asks and Thor is hurt that he speaks about his Jotun form with so little confidence and pride.

“Even more so now,” Thor promises, kissing Loki's nose with a smile. “I love your beautiful blue skin and your lovely markings, your alluring eyes and your cool, chilling touch. I love them the same way I love your emerald eyes and your pale, warm skin, Loki. You are still you and I love you no less than ever before. In fact, I love you more and more each passing moment.”

“And you can live with a frost giant on the throne of Asgard?”

“How could I not when it's you, brother?”

Loki smiles, but this time his smile isn't sad or bitter. It's simply sweet and Thor can't help but smile back.

“Would you spend the night with me if I asked?” Loki sounds shy, almost ashamed, and Thor is sure he has never seen something as lovely as the blush on his cheeks.

“Nothing could stop me from it.”


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thor promised to stay the night and it's exactly what he does. Loki cannot believe his luck when they talk like they had years ago, open and relaxed and even laughing together. This time, however, they get much closer than before and it's a secret desire fulfilled for both of them that they never voiced out in the past.

Thor promised to come back soon, so Loki lets him leave heavy-heartedly. He believes he will keep his promise, it has to be enough to keep his fears at bay. While his brother is gone, Loki walks aimlessly around in his room, picking up something from the ground here and there, but not really doing anything in the end. He feels as light as a feather somehow and his mind keeps going back to their kisses. Absentmindedly, his fingertips brush over his lips as he looks at the now closed door. It actually happened, didn’t it? He isn’t just making this wonderful memory up, right?

Loki hopes that his mind isn’t playing tricks on him this time. Over the last weeks he had been trapped in a nightmare of visions and illusions, of love declarations and hateful words as much as emptiness and loneliness. At times, he had felt on top of the world, ready to forget his past and let go of it, other times he had laid on his bed, helplessly sobbing and cursing ever being born. He remembers Thor in front of his door, saying the sweetest and most heartbreaking things, but he isn’t sure if he has been dreaming or not. And today…

He had trashed his room mercilessly in a vain attempt to destroy everything that was connected to his existence - his books, his treasures, memories of a past full of lies. Almost frantically he had filled sheet after sheet of paper with lines and words, like a maniac in ecstasy. And then, without a warning, it had all crashed down on him again.

Requesting his brother to come had been a last attempt to save his sanity, he knows it. He was falling apart, his mind succumbing to the madness he had created and if Thor couldn’t save him, Loki was convinced nothing could. In a way, he had called out for him one last time, as his brother. And Thor had come. He had come to him...

Loki still smiles, looking at the door and sighs weakly. For a moment he closes his eyes and when he opens them again the world looks a little different than before. It’s nothing he can point out, it’s such a subtle change that he missed it the first times, but he knows that he has turned back to his normal self when he sees it. Somehow he doesn’t feel as bad as before anymore in his Jotun form, but it’s still better this way… safer, maybe. For now at least.

After turning back, Loki finally manages to move a little more. He gathers all the papers from the bed without looking at them - the words hurt too much - and puts them away on his desk. Later, maybe the next day, he will burn them so he never has to lay his eyes on them again. For now just hiding them will be enough. Once the bed is empty, Loki pulls the sheets straight again. It’s weird doing that, given what he had just asked his brother. He doesn’t know what’s going to happen, if anything will happen at all, but he’s nervous. It feels like forever that Thor is gone, but Loki holds onto the belief that he will be back as he promised. 

Suddenly, he has the overwhelming feeling that something isn’t right. He doesn’t know why, but it makes breathing incredibly hard. What if they start arguing again? What if he snaps again and gets angry and pushes Thor away like he did before? If that happens he might never come back and the thought alone fills Loki’s heart with an icy cold. He presses a hand against his chest, fighting desperately for air to fill his lungs. It takes five cruelly long minutes before he finally calms down again and when he does, the lack of air and panic had made his eyes tear up.

For a moment, Loki sits down on his bed and just breathes. It’s all completely insane, he doesn’t know why he suddenly feels so scared and nervous and anxious. This isn’t just anyone, it’s his  _ brother _ , for crying out loud! Why does he feel so horrible? He wipes the tears from his eyes and shakes his head in an attempt to ground himself.

“You’re being childish,” Loki tries to sound confident and strong, but it’s just weak and frightened. “He’s going to come back and you will stop pushing him away, just calm down.”

Pushing Thor away is the last thing Loki wants. It hurts every time he forces himself to do it. His inability of staying away from his brother is concerning him. Thor’s love is all he has left and he clings to it in order to save himself. It’s not right, he knows it’s not, but he cannot let go. He doesn’t want to hurt Thor, doesn’t want to use him, but he needs his brother. The yearning for his love is beyond his control. If only it will not end in destruction…

\---

When Thor finally comes back, almost an hour has passed. Loki is sitting on his bed, his attire changed into one similar to his brother’s, with light black pants and a black shirt. He himself enjoyed his tunic, but is aware that the revealing part of it might give the wrong signals, so he traded it for something a little more modest. The knock on the door makes Loki jump up immediately, straightening his clothes as he sprints to the door. He leans against it, whispering.

“Brother?”

“Yes, let me in.” Thor's voice makes Loki's heart jump and he unlocks the door quickly to follow his request. As soon as his brother is inside, he locks the door again to keep anyone else out.

“I'm sorry for taking so long,” Thor says and puts a plate Loki didn't notice until now down. “I brought wine and food, you didn't eat much lately, did you?” It's not a rude question and when he looks at him, Loki smiles apologetically.

“I lost my appetite, I guess,” he admits a little embarrassed.

“Tonight that will change,” Thor says and walks over to his brother, taking his hands. He kisses his fingers tenderly. “We will dine and we will drink, just you and me, and I will not leave your side until you request it.”

“Why would I do that?” Loki asks and tilts his head. “I'm happy to have you here with me, I feared you might change your mind and come back with the guards to end it all…”

“If I would see you die, brother, do not believe I would not drive the sword through my heart right after, so that I can hold onto you even after death and not leave your side.” Thor’s voice is so stern that it startles Loki for a moment. “I do not wish to live in a world without you. A life in which I lost you is a life not worth living any longer.”

“Thor…” Loki is touched. There is no doubt in his brother's words, not a hint of hesitation. He brings their hands up between them and presses his lips against them.

“No more sadness, please, Loki,” Thor mumbles and brings their heads together gently. “I’m here now and I won’t leave you anymore.”

“No, please… don’t leave, never...” Loki whispers and wraps his hand around Thor’s neck with a smile, holding them together. “It’s been so long, please stay with me…”

And Thor does. Loki can barely believe that this is real, but every time he looks at his brother he knows it is, because he doesn’t turn around and vanishes or starts being cold towards him suddenly. No, Thor is real and Loki has never felt more relieved in his life. 

They have the wonderful wine Thor brought and the taste alone makes Loki feel very alive. At first he is hesitant, afraid to even speak much, but Thor’s smile and his affectionate behavior are disarming him more and more. Soon, the brothers sit on Loki’s bed, sharing the fruits and wine Thor brought and talk like they haven’t in ages. Loki enjoys hearing Thor speak, how he dwells in happy memories and makes him laugh at the silliest things. A little, those anecdotes make him feel sad, because they had been so close in the past, but he tries to conceal those feelings. They have no place now, it’s too wonderful to just sit here and imagine everything is alright. Nothing should ruin this moment.

“Do you remember the songs Fandral used to sing to us during our hunts?” Thor suddenly asks and Loki shakes his head with a smile.

“I never went to hunt with you, did you forget?” he asks, nudging Thor’s shoulder. “I do remember him singing to the girls at festivities though. He was such a lady’s man, wasn’t he?”

“Oh, I wouldn’t say only the ladies enjoyed his singing, or his company.” Thor grins and nudges Loki back the same way. “I did see you two hanging out together quite often, alone.”

“Thor, stop it!” Loki protests, hiding his blush by taking a big sip from his wine. “I would not touch Fandral like that if my life depended on it! He was mocking me, if anything. Because I would not fight like you or join you on hunts.”

“He never understood why you prefer books over swords,” Thor laughs and shakes his head. “But he did like you, I could see that. Then again, he did like a lot of people.”

“There is a word for that, brother,” Loki grins mischievously. “It’s called being a  _ whore _ .”

“Don’t let him hear that, you’ll regret it,” Thor says strict, but immediately falls over from laughing so much. Loki can’t hold it back either, mostly because he knows Fandral would be more than a little angry if he heard him talk like that. 

After several minutes they finally begin to calm down and when they do, Loki’s stomach hurts and his back aches. It’s been way too long since he laughed and now he doesn’t want to stop, nor does he want Thor to stop. He’s so incredibly happy that it all feels surreal again and he has to take one of his brother’s hands to remind himself that it’s real. He doesn’t do more for a few moments, just trying to regain his breath and assure himself Thor is really there.

“I could not blame him if he did like you that way, not even a bit,” Thor suddenly says and Loki looks at him confused, the last bit of laughter dying in his throat.

“What are you talking about?” he asks.

“Forget it,” Thor smiles weakly. “I just thought, you know… I’m sorry. Forget I asked.”

“Are you… jealous?” Loki asks and the way Thor evades his eyes makes him smirk. “Oh my God, you  _ are _ !”

“And if I were?” Thor asks sincere, the bluntness of the question baffling Loki for a second.

“Well,” he begins, but doesn’t really know how to continue. Suddenly, Thor pulls him up so they sit, eyes locked and the hand holding his own in an iron grip.

“You were so drawn into your books and studies that you never noticed, did you?” Thor asks and all Loki can do is shake his head. He doesn’t know an answer, nor does he understand the question, really. “You know every book in Asgard by heart, know your spells and magic, but did you ever see what’s right in front of your eyes, brother?”

“Thor, what… you’re scaring me here, what are you talking about?”

Thor chuckles nervously, running a hand through his hair. He looks kind of lost, but in a way that Loki cannot understand, obviously searching for the right words.

“You are the eloquent one, Loki, but by God, you are so blind sometimes! Have you never asked yourself why your barbarian of a brother searched your company so often, even though I barely understood half of the things you were talking about? Or why I came home from our hunts and to you first, telling you about all our adventures?”

“To mock me like your friends did and to show me you are better?” Loki can see how his words hurt Thor, but they reflect what he always believed to be true. Thor grabs his face almost rough, thumbs digging into his cheeks.

“My sweet, innocent brother...” he murmurs and suddenly brings Loki’s lips to his, devouring him in a deep and passionate kiss that shocks Loki with its intensity. When he pulls back abruptly, his eyes are dark and glossy. “I never wanted anyone but you, can't you see that? Loki, you make me drunk whenever I'm with you, your words and eyes, your voice and touch, I crave them more than I can say without sounding like a love-sick fool. You are my breath, my blood, my heartbeat… I want to possess you, more than you can imagine or than I should.”

“Thor…” Loki can't believe what he just heard and how it fills every part of his soul with pure joy and excitement. He grabs his brother's hands, leaning forward to kiss him again in such an intimate way that it makes his head light. “You already do, you possess me,” he whispers as they part. “You and only you, no one else.”

“Don't play with me, brother,” Thor begs, holding Loki close with one hand and wrapping the other around his slender waist. “I cannot bear any tricks this time, I long for you too much for that.”

“No tricks,” Loki whispers at the desperate way Thor clings to him. It makes his heart beat faster and he laughs with utter happiness as he holds onto him. “No tricks, I promise…”

“I want to make you mine, Loki,” Thor growls and turns them around so he is on top and the sudden weight on Loki’s chest makes him groan. “All mine and mine alone…”

“Yours, yes… make me yours…”

It's the fulfillment of all of Loki's darkest and deepest desires when he feels Thor's hands undress him. He can barely do more than whimper when his clothes are pulled off. Loki's hands shake when his brother starts kissing his neck and Thor gently takes them into his as he continues. After that, it gets a bit easier. 

Loki wants this badly, maybe that's why he's so hesitant at first. It's almost overwhelming being touched like that and he keeps pulling Thor up to kiss him and touch him because he fears that, if he doesn't, he’ll just disappear. There is nothing sweeter than their kisses, nothing more thrilling than their touches and the murmured words against his skin. Thor is gentle, despite his hunger and desire, and Loki is thankful for it. Everything he does he does carefully, as if he's worshipping Loki's body instead of just taking it. Nothing is done fast or careless, Thor takes his time and it's the most delicious torture Loki has ever experienced.

There is nothing to say when Loki's hands are wrapped around Thor's neck and his brother rocks against him. It’s pure ecstasy. Loki doesn't think he ever felt so unrestrained, so completely safe and blissful and it's a salvation he's been longing for forever. When Thor thrusts faster and he clings to him even more, the world around him begins to change as he turns back into his Jotun form. Like this it's even more thrilling, more overwhelming. Loki throws his head back with a deep and low moan as strong hands trail over his chest, over his face and lips and Thor's words that follow make him shudder.

“My beautiful Jotun king, say you're mine.”

“I'm yours,” Loki whispers, nails digging into Thor's shoulders. He feels like falling, his own cold and Thor's heat creating such arousing sensations in his loins that he can barely hold onto himself anymore. This is beyond any form of pleasure he knows and it almost feels like it’s too much to bear. “I'm yours, only yours… Thor, please… take me…”

He doesn't have to ask twice. Thor wraps his arms around him, pulling him as close as possible. His thrusts become faster, hungry and possessive, and his lips suck dark marks into his brother's skin - his neck, his collarbone, everywhere his lips can reach. When Loki comes it's like an explosion, as if the world collapses around him and rebuilds itself right away, just to collapse again and again. He cries out his brother's name, his voice cracking from the sheer force he is overwhelmed with and when he feels Thor's hot load filling him up another high washes over him, unexpected but not less intense than the first. He buries his face against the crook of his brother's neck as he rocks them through their orgasms; slow and shaky, the lust fading and leaving nothing but pleasure and bliss behind.

They lay in together afterwards, legs entwined and silent, just looking at each other. Loki still blushes from what Thor called him before and hasn't changed back yet. The way his brother smiles at him leaves no doubt that he doesn't mind and it makes him utterly happy. From time to time, Thor will brush his fingertips over Loki’s cheek, smiling a little brighter, but that's all. There is nothing to say right now, but maybe that's okay. Sometimes words just aren't necessary. Right now they share a moment of blissful happiness, in silence and just feeling each other close. And that’s enough.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thor can't believe how lucky and happy he feels when Loki lays in his arms, it's like this nightmare is finally coming to an end. That is, until he finds something he never meant to see and the whole weight of everything comes crashing down on him again and he realizes there is only one way he can and will go.

Sometime later, Thor lays on his back, hands crossed behind his head and Loki's head resting on his chest. Loki is still in his Jotun form and Thor feels happy that he is. It means Loki is comfortable and trusts him, and this alone is more than he ever dared to wish for. Occasionally, Thor caresses his brother’s cold skin or places a kiss on his head. Loki's eyes are closed, a hand laying across Thor's chest without actually holding him. For a moment, Thor thinks his brother is asleep, but when he moves only a little, Loki does too and looks up at him.

“Are you leaving?” Loki asks immediately, wide eyes searching for his own. Thor smiles and cups his cheek, brushing over it gently.

“Of course not, brother,” he said, pecking his lips for a sweet kiss. “I thought you were sleeping, I'm sorry if I woke you.”

“You didn't,” Loki smiles and sits up, looking at him. Thor is sure he has never seen his brother this content and happy before. He lays a hand on Loki's blue skin, still fascinated by this change and how beautiful he looks like this. “Do you really want to stay?”

“I promised you I would, so I will.” Thor's smile widens. “Would you rather have me leave?”

“No!” Loki quickly says, covering Thor's hand. “Please stay. I just…”

“What is it? Talk to me.”

“I would like to wash myself,” Loki admits and chuckles. “Do you mind? I won't take long, I promise.”

Thor can't help but laugh and grabs Loki's neck gently to pull him into a kiss. He has expected anything but not this. It’s sweet that he asks, that he doesn’t look like he wants to leave. Thor understands of course and he would never tell him to stay.

“Of course I don't mind,” Thor finally answers. “I won't go anywhere.”

Loki gives him a thankful smile and slides off the bed, wrapping one of the sheets around himself loosely as he leaves. For a moment, Thor just looks after him, after his little brother that walks with such elegance and beauty that it makes his heart ache for him to come back. When Loki is gone, Thor sighs and drops back into the pillows.

The sun will rise soon, they have spent hours together and not a single moment of it was wasted. All those years Thor has tried to hide what he feels for Loki, has tried to not let it change the way they know each other, but now… has it not been the sweetest and most exciting experience to be this close, to share this kind of intimacy? Even if it’s something no one must know, Thor doesn’t regret it happening. When Loki is back he will pull him into his arms and never let him go again, just how he should have from the very beginning.

Thor sighs contently and crosses his hands behind his head again. As he does, one of them accidentally shoves under the pillow and he frowns. Confused, Thor sits up and pulls the piece of paper his hand brushed over out from under the pillow. It’s folded together and for a moment he wants to just put it back, but his curiosity is too strong in the end, so he unfolds it and begins to read.

_ Brother, _

_ you holding this in your hands now means there is no need to lie anymore, so I will not. My heart is as cold as the winds that blow in Jotunheim, I have lost all I ever believed in to be true. Only one thing warms my bitterly frozen soul anymore, something I have lost now too and that I shall never see again, and that, dear brother, is you.  _

_ In all this suffering and all those dark, loveless and lonely nights that have passed, it was you my broken and shattered heart yearned for. You, the brother whom I have always adored with everything I had, whether we were in rivalry or friendship, are the one I have wished upon to come and save me since the first moment of this feverish nightmare. But there is no yearning anymore now, no wishing and no hoping. That you hold these lines is proof for it and with this, I utter an apology to you. _

_ I have failed you miserably and there is no excuse in the world good enough to make up for my treason. For what I have done, I apologize to you, for however I have hurt you, I apologize. You deserve a better brother, someone whose love and trust you own as much as his loyalty and this, as much as it breaks my heart, I could not give you. The love you deserve is not mine, as my love is bitter, lonely and cruel, making me ache for you in ways that I should never think about and making me wish I were never born in the first place. My love is rotten and dark, a love that would trap you and corrupt you like it corrupted me, and this you do not deserve. _

_ Thor, my dearest and beloved Thor, I would have burned the world for you. If I were not the monster that I am, maybe I could have told you this while my heart was still beating for you. In all the nine realms, you were the one I have loved most, trough all those years and with all my aching heart. If I could see you one last time, I would tell you so myself and even though I have been prone to lies my whole life, know this: it would have been nothing but the truth. _

_ Do not be sad, for none of this is your fault. If there is any blame it lays on me and me alone. If I were stronger, like you are, I might have found another way. But with every passing moment I know your pain, your guilt and your sadness, and I cannot bear it any longer. I will love you til the very last breath and the last beat of my heart, but a monster’s love is worth no more than a grain of salt or a drop of water in the ocean and this, I know. _

_ Farewell, brother. This is goodbye for the last time. _

_ I love you and I’m truly, deeply sorry. _

For minutes, Thor is frozen and unable to do anything. With each word he read his stomach had tightened and his chest stung more; now he just stares at Loki’s handwriting with a dry mouth and a painful cold spreading through his system. Thor knows what this is, knows exactly how dooming the words on this paper truly are, and the fear they create in him is overwhelming. There are tears in his eyes, but they refuse to fall or disappear.

This can’t be real, Thor doesn’t want to believe it. And yet, here he holds this letter, undoubtedly written by his brother, and the words in it couldn’t hurt him more if they jumped out and stabbed him. He doesn’t know how long it’s been there or why Loki wrote it, but there is no doubt about the fact that he did and it breaks his heart all over again. If he wouldn't have come tonight… would this be the last he saw from Loki?

Suddenly, the door to the chambers open and Thor looks up. Loki stands there, his normal self again and a long bathrobe covering him, and as soon as he sees him sitting on the bed with the letter in his hands his skin loses all its color. Thor wants to say something, but he cannot speak. He doesn’t know how anymore, so he just looks at his brother with all the pain and sorrow he feels, waiting for him to say something instead.

“Thor, I…” Loki begins, but his voice fades before he can continue. His hands drop and he just stands there, silent.

“What is this?” Thor finally manages to speak after a long silence, the letter crumbling in his hands, and his words paint Loki’s face dark with guilt as he turns his head away.

For a moment, Thor just looks at his brother, trying to find words to say. But for once, he realizes there are none. He throws the letter onto the bed and walks over to Loki, carefully wrapping his arm around his waist to pull him into a tight and long hug. He’s trembling from his fight against the tears in his eyes, but when he holds Loki they just fall, without anything he can do about them. Loki tries to speak, but the few words he manages to mumble are unintelligible and Thor sighs quietly before guiding them both over to the bed. 

“Loki…” Thor whispers, gentle cradling his brother’s head and pressing a kiss onto his hair. “Please, whatever happens, however bad things get… never, ever think about hurting yourself, I beg you…”

“I… I didn’t mean to…” Loki sniffles and pulls himself out of Thor’s embrace enough to look at him. “I’m sorry…”

“Don’t apologize,” Thor murmurs, carefully wiping the tear off Loki’s face. “Just talk to me, okay? Why would you ever think such vile and horrible things about yourself?”

“I… I didn’t think you’d come…” Loki admits, his gaze dropping in shame. “I thought it would be better if I was just gone… then you would be king and wouldn’t have to live with a monster anymore…”

“Please stop calling yourself that.” Thor is heartbroken to hear his brother talk like his. He leans forward, pressing a sweet and warm kiss on Loki’s lips. “You will never be a monster, you will always be my Loki.”

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean for you to find this,” Loki sighs and leans back against Thor’s chest. “I’m glad you came here and… stayed… I need you, Thor, I simply couldn’t stand the thought of losing you…”

“Neither could I stand losing you,” Thor assures his brother calmly. “Nothing in this world matters but you, I mean it.”

“I don’t know what to say, brother…” Loki’s voice is heavy and quiet, and Thor sighs.

All of this… there is only one thing he can and wants to do now. This letter is proof enough that Loki had suffered much more than he could ever imagine and he doesn’t want something like this to happen ever again. He can hold Loki as much as he wants, whisper words and be affectionate, but it will never feel like it’s enough to him. Loki deserves the world and he wants to give it to him, no matter the consequences.

“Loki, I want you to promise me something,” Thor finally says, surprising his brother. Loki sits up straight again, a confused look in his eyes from the sudden change of topic.

“Promise you what?”

“Be mine.” Thor’s voice is as stern and steady as never before and his eyes won’t leave Loki’s for even a second. He takes Loki’s hands into his, looking into those emerald green eyes full of confusion. “I don’t need or want anyone else and I don’t care what anyone will say. Be mine, stay mine. I’m not asking because of the throne or because I feel guilt, I’m asking because you are who I want to be with for the rest of my life.”

“Thor, what…” Loki’s eyes widen and his cheeks flush red. “Are you asking what I think you’re asking?”

“I’m asking you to be mine, Loki. Forever.” Thor presses a kiss on his brother’s hand, smiling. “Through Asgardian customs, if you wish, or through any other. Be my husband, my king, my soulmate, for the rest of my life… I want no one else but you and I promise I will protect you and love you unconditionally and whole-heartedly. Nothing will ever break my love for you because nothing is as strong as it. Please, Loki. Promise me you will be mine forever.”

“Oh my God,” Loki covers his mouth with a hand, tears rolling down his cheeks. He throws himself forward into Thor’s arms, unable to get a word out through the sobs shaking his body. Thor holds him with a smile, patiently waiting for his brother to calm down. When he finally does, Thor gently pushes him away to look at him, the smile not fading even now.

“What do you say, brother? Will you give me the honor of taking your hand in marriage and beyond?”

“My hand and everything else,” Loki cries and crashes their lips together in the wettest and sweetest kiss they have shared yet. He doesn’t want to break apart anymore either it seems, but after a long while he does, a smile now on his face too. “I love you, you big oaf of a brother, and I promise I’ll be yours for as long as you want me.”

“Good, because I will always want you, my sweet little fool.”


End file.
